It's a Sunday afternoon, lazy and somber, as it should be I guess. My fantastic hubby is sleeping his lazies away downstairs. He is so perfectly perfect and I'm the luckiest girl in the world in my eyes. I just finished bathing and am now sitting here very contemplative about life in general. My medicine pump firmly attached to my hip, I play the waiting game. Waiting for it to make my life normal again. Waiting to live again. Of course they wreek havoc on my body and I wonder how much more my kidneys can take. I had the worst nausea ever last night and it won at one point. But all in all, I feel better. A litte bit more gumption every day, a little bit more energy. The biggest thing I came to realize, sitting here thinking, is that I can't wait to live anymore. I'm either living or I'm not. I want to live. I may not have the most exciting life but I can still live just sitting here. Live my taking in all the love of my family and giving back in twofolds what I recieve. Live by the little conversations with friends and knowing there are people out there that care and that I care about. Live by feeling the sunshine on my face through the window. This is a choice. Take in the bad or take in the good. There's always an abundance of both but sometimes one is more obvious than the other and therefore easier to absorb. I may need to look for the good a little harder amungst this depressive darkness that surrounds me but it's there if I want it, if I look for it. And the best part is, the more you find the more comes in and the more it supercedes and conquers the cancer that seems to be settling in. This I know and I choose the goodness.

I spoke with one of my friends this afternoon who is expecting a new little baby. Their first! They have been trying for awhile and have been blessed with the gift of life. I'm extremely happy for them. I can't wait to be there for her and made me realize how much I miss spending time with close friends and how important friends are in life. It's easy to let the daily grind erode away parts of us that we take for granted, the parts we must make a concious effort to keep close or they'll fly away.

Well I think I'll go see what's for dinner. :)

Love love love love love love.............it's ALL that matters

Later