Wednesday, March 16, 2011

One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest...

Here I am still waiting for "The Call" and I can't help feeling like I'm losing my mind. Everyday is pretty much the same with physio, meds, sleep, eating and watching t.v. with the occasional visit to Leslie and Dave's (my sister and brother-in-law) thrown in. My health makes it difficult to do much more than that. I'm obviously not working and social events are few a far between. Since I've been feeling the ominous decent of depression cloud over me, I don't even WANT to talk to anyone anyways! Now with everyone I know having babies I feel completely left in the dust. I'm happy for everyone and I hate feeling sorry for myself but I can't help but feel like I'm losing my identity as well as my ability to relate on any level to anyone. Some days I'm numb, I can't even cry. I'm trying to do my best at keeping myself busy because my biggest fear is losing my mind. I sometimes wonder if these drugs have any kind of side effect that has to do with that. I'll be okay. I just hate all this bullshit.
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6 comments:

  1. Christie SimonMarch 17, 2011 at 7:23 PM

    That is okay, all my friends are having babies and I am riding my bike. You can still relate, does not mean you are left behind. just tell yourself whatever you want to believe that makes you feel better! Psycho babble (much like baby babble really)...

    Lance Armstrong always made a big deal out of the six-hour training rides he'd do in the rain, when everyone else was sitting indoors. Do you honestly think that the other pros don't ride in the rain? It doesn't matter whether it was true or not, Armstrong believed it. I'm out in the rain, Ullrich's eating pies, here's another success in the Tour. An equation that's as simple as it was flawed. But it's what kept Armstrong on the bike and it's what kept him focussed on the prize.

    It doesn't matter what it is or how true or accurate it might be. Find something that you can latch on to that will get you through

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  2. Carol SimonMarch 18, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    Carla: I love the word "bullshit" vey appropriate. Thank you for allowing us to share the initmacies of your thoughts and feelings. You know I think about you every day. I feel a lot of anger about why this is happening to you - every day I am confronted with injustices but none touch my heart as this injustice. I continually send up those postive thoughts (wherever postive thoughts go). Whenever you are having a bad day as you await the 'call', hang onto our strength becuase it is always being directed your way. I so look forward to the days of healing and dancing....
    Loveya sweet girl!!

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  3. Deborah CaterMarch 20, 2011 at 7:20 PM

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but you already know that, don't you. The strength, tenacity and grace that you exude every day is absolutely astounding. I know that you just want to say 'To hell with it" and give up, but you have too much 'will' in you to seriously do that. Besides, we'd all just kick you in the butt if you decided to go down that road! I'm so glad you got some of my 'stubborn' streak in you, I knew it would come in handy for something! I love you with all my being and so wish (bigger than all the wishes out there) that I could go through this for you. All I can do is be 'HERE' for you. I will never leave your side and will walk this road right along side you for as long as it takes. When it all seems to much to bear, just Let it Be! It will pass and a clearer sky will appear. You have so much love and support surrounding you from all corners of the globe, I know you will come out of this stronger than ever and ready to LIVE your life. Love you my baby girl. Mama! xxoo

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  4. judyMarch 22, 2011 at 5:15 PM

    Carla, in my life i have traveled to areas that most people would never venture to travel unless they have a gun or a body guard, in these areas i have seen pain like no other pain in forms of hunger and sorrow. I have travelled through storms in mountains scared to death and fearing that I would never see home again.I also have lost a friend that I think of daily and I would give anything to see him again even for just 5 minutes. I have spent alot of my life teaching people to find good in their abilities to do better as a son,brother,father and fellow worker.
    When my friend passed my spirit was broken for a very long time.
    Today I still miss him, but I also thank him for guiding me to your family.
    We were welcomed into your family with open arms, free to be who we are, faults and all.

    I want you to understand that you are loved more than you know. For the days that you don't want to talk but need someone there, I know a person that is always willing to play a solid game of crib, eat gummie bears and can carry a conversation all by myself.
    Love Jason

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  5. KayeBeeMarch 23, 2011 at 9:22 AM

    Carla, I am feeling for you, life is tough for you right now, your mom is right, when everything gets you down, just remember that you are loved by many and you have every right to be down or angry but there will be better days ahead...I am in your corner my dear and so are all my family, keep on fighting the fight <3
    Kaye Birnie

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  6. UnknownMarch 26, 2011 at 5:58 PM

    Carla, I'm a better person because you are in my life! Your strength and fight are a lesson that I hope my son will learn from you...always here for you in any way you want me to be! Oxoxoxo Andrea

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