A Hero, I Am Not

So it's been a week since the dry run and not too much has happened. We are still patiently waiting but instead of tucking the idea of being called neatly away in the back of our minds with the assumption that it will be months until we hear from them, it is now sitting ever so dominantly at the forefront of our everyday lives. In the words of my brother-in-law Dave, "Shit just got real!". Now I know it's probably going to be soon and I'm pretty damn scared to say the least. I know I'm in competent hands, some of the best in the world actually, but the whole process just seems so exhausting and hard! Yes I realize I sound a little like a lazy wiener but come on folks, this isn't a run of the mill surgery where they stitch you up and send you on your way to heal for a couple weeks. No, no, this is a 'Say goodbye to your old self because a new one is on its way' kind of surgery. I say 'self' because it will not only be lungs that are changed out in all of this. This will no doubt be a life changer, for the good and for the bad. Now don't get me wrong here I'm not only referring to negative changes, I hope there will be WAY more good than bad, but as many you might know I am a worrier and I tend to zero in on the things that I dread happening. Some of these things are very real and valid reasons to worry such as: waking up with the breathing tube, the pain, death, rejection, cancer, etc. (I hate using etc at the end of this because it makes the list and what is on it seem trivial but frankly I just can't name them all at this ungodly hour but you get the point) Other things I worry about are, yes I'll admit it, just plain vain. [And then you hear the audience gasp in shock as the truth is revealed behind their beloved and seemingly strong CF patient/soon to be transplant recipient. Could it be she's actually.....ughhh...HUMAN!!} I worry about the effects of all the meds, particularly prednisone. I've never been on it and I worry about gaining tons of weight, getting bad acne or having hair grow where it's never grown before. I hate when people roll their eyes at this. Now I'm not saying these worries have the same weight as the ones I mentioned earlier and I know they are things I CAN deal with, I just don't WANT to have to. Plain and simple. There is so much shit I have to deal with and I will have to deal with that I just don't want those things added on the list of shitty things. I know I'm going to get some comments about how I need to just appreciate the new lease on life. I get that. I do appreciate, trust me, I'm just getting it off my chest. I can't be the only one. Enough about that though. I wanted to just let everyone know how I've been feeling lately because the number one single question I get asked is "How are you feeling?" by genuinely inquisitive friends and family and I love you for it. I just got off IV meds a week ago and I haven't felt too bad. Fingers crossed that it lasts. I've even been able to do extra weights and faster pace at physio. That could be because Jeff, a.k.a 'The Tyrant', makes me though. Hahaha. Anyways, I'll continue to keep you all posted.

Carla :)