I'm very emotional right now. It's been a pretty lax day, it's been rainy and gray out and I had a good nap after doing my I.V. meds and watching an episode of Sons of Anarchy with Jeff. I had an awesome diner of ham and scalloped potatoes with Mom, Dan and Jeff. Afterwards, mom and I sat down for a competitive match of good ol' scrabble. Because I tend to take an extra long amount of time to put down my chips, mom was perusing through facebook when she came upon a couple posts from fellow CFer friends about a girl who is not doing so well. Now I have never met her but I came upon her blog about a month ago and have been going through her many blogs dating back from 2007 when she was pre-lung transplant up to the present. Her last post was near the end of February though and I have been wondering how she is doing as she was dealing with some complications according to her posts. I said awhile ago that lately I've been feeling kinda numb and that it's been hard for me to even feel anything... but tonight I feel a lot! I starting crying for this poor girl who is laying in a hospital bed right now probably terrified, tired and frustrated. I don't want her to feel that way. I don't want ANYONE to feel that way. So the tears starting flowing. I want to help. I want her pain to go away. I put myself in her shoes and I don't think I could stay strong. Yet she is managing to find strength and I pray that she keeps finding it. This cry felt like a long time coming and I just couldn't stop the tears once they started. I cried for her, for her family and for others who may be going through rough times too. I also cried for each and every member of my family and friends who may one day have to feel pain if something bad happens to me. If I don't make it they are going be left dealing with the grief and I don't want that. I love them so much!!
I went into the hospital on Tuesday of last week because I was starting to notice myself become short of breath more easily so I decided to be proactive and get my butt into the hospital to get checked out (okay my mom made me... but I agreed). I stayed there until Saturday. They put me on Meropenem and Amakacin. I've never been on Amakacin before but Meropenem I'm on a lot. They usually pair it with Tobramycin but I'm actually immune to it (or at least the one strain of pseudo is). The first couple days I didn't even want visitors. I literally just wanted to read and sleep. I also felt pretty sick to the stomach which is common for me. After my little retreat though I welcomed my visitors. My husband and mom made sure I was well nourished and not bored. Dan kept the jokes coming to lighten the mood. My aunt and uncle and cousins made me feel special by making the time to see me and my dad made the trip up from Sudbury and even though he hates hospitals he came a few times with my sister, mom and Jeff. Thanks to everyone who put on the funny penguin suits to brighten my day. It's the small gestures that makes such a big difference. I notice the big and the small and I appreciate them all. Support is the only thing that keeps me going.
Love life live
Carla :)
Carla, you go right ahead and let the emotions flow when you need to, you have a right beyond belief to vent. In the mean time, you keep up that strong fight you have in you till life becomes better for you when your call comes, you can do it. You are always in our thoughts and prayers...
ReplyDeleteBeing strong means being real - being real means giving those feelings an outlet - you are the most 'real' person I know. Love you for that sweet girl......
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