Nothing feels concrete right now. We, as humans, tend to need structure and some need it more than others. I am one of those people. I'm between homes and I'm letting my independence fall by the wayside. Yep, I'm moving back in with Mommy and letting her do what she instinctively needs to do, mother me. Jeff, my sweet hubby, is coming with me. Poor Jeff! He needs structure and routine more than food. Life is change. This is what I've heard so many times growing up that I try to accept it as a mantra but it doesn't comfort anything if you can't see the other side. It never seems to get any easier.
So I'm on the waiting list for new lungs as of Monday. Yikes!! Has it come to this? I want to feel excited but the fear takes over. I'm terrified of losing myself. I'm not afraid of dying, don't get me wrong, I'm scared that after it all I won't feel the same, sound the same, look the same; I won't be me. This is a MAJOR change: No holds bar, let everything go, kind of change. And yah, I know, it is for the positive but frankly, there will be parts that I may not like and I'm scared that I won't like them a lot. What if these things will over shadow the good stuff? It's completely shallow and self centered but my ego hasn't gone away yet. I don't want it but it stays. I'm trying not to think too much because I'm going to go through with it no matter what anyways so there's no sense it worrying I guess. Anyways, I don't know what else to say. I'm tired.
Good night!!

It's 3:25 in the morning. Sorta tired but fighting it like I always do. Something about the nighttimes that let anxiety seep into my body like a hungry virus. It's taken me awhile to come back here, mostly because I'm not sure I'm all that comfortable with it yet. Blogging is a funny concept to me still. I feel almost narcassistic in a way, assuming someone actually gives a shit about the jumbled ramblings that are the thoughts in my head. But here I am, throwing it all out there and not really expecting it to land. So, like I said, I have a bit of anxiety lately. Not the kind that ends up in severe attacks or anything but enough that it has successfully knawed a hole deep in stomach and demands to be filled with something, anything. My mind is my worst enemy at night. I try to do anything: eat, treatments, watch endless amounts of t.v., read, clean, sew (yah even sew!) to avoid having to just face, well, I guess, myself. I don't really know what I'm so afraid of. I find myself wanting more all time. The need for more has been consuming me for awhile now and it's for things that I don't need and aren't important. We are a society lead by wants. It would be so freeing to let them go. Wants get so confused with needs but they are very different. The ego wants and humanity and nature needs. I don't want to want anymore. The more I get, the more I want, it's a vicious cycle that I'm sure is at the core of this anxiety. Who knows what the source is. I could venture a guess but I'm not sure it's a cookie cutter answer anyways. I kinda know what I need to do to get back to reality though, to stop the wanting and obsessing and feel at peace, quiet one on one time with myself. This certainly helps, getting it out of my head and into concrete visible words. I don't know why but seeing it somehow makes it seem like the worst is over and now I can start to heal. Now I sit here, with my finger on the delete button, thinking how petty I am. My feelings always seem so big in my life. I always feel like I'm in the center of 'me'ness. I need to get out of my head, let go.

It's a Sunday afternoon, lazy and somber, as it should be I guess. My fantastic hubby is sleeping his lazies away downstairs. He is so perfectly perfect and I'm the luckiest girl in the world in my eyes. I just finished bathing and am now sitting here very contemplative about life in general. My medicine pump firmly attached to my hip, I play the waiting game. Waiting for it to make my life normal again. Waiting to live again. Of course they wreek havoc on my body and I wonder how much more my kidneys can take. I had the worst nausea ever last night and it won at one point. But all in all, I feel better. A litte bit more gumption every day, a little bit more energy. The biggest thing I came to realize, sitting here thinking, is that I can't wait to live anymore. I'm either living or I'm not. I want to live. I may not have the most exciting life but I can still live just sitting here. Live my taking in all the love of my family and giving back in twofolds what I recieve. Live by the little conversations with friends and knowing there are people out there that care and that I care about. Live by feeling the sunshine on my face through the window. This is a choice. Take in the bad or take in the good. There's always an abundance of both but sometimes one is more obvious than the other and therefore easier to absorb. I may need to look for the good a little harder amungst this depressive darkness that surrounds me but it's there if I want it, if I look for it. And the best part is, the more you find the more comes in and the more it supercedes and conquers the cancer that seems to be settling in. This I know and I choose the goodness.

I spoke with one of my friends this afternoon who is expecting a new little baby. Their first! They have been trying for awhile and have been blessed with the gift of life. I'm extremely happy for them. I can't wait to be there for her and made me realize how much I miss spending time with close friends and how important friends are in life. It's easy to let the daily grind erode away parts of us that we take for granted, the parts we must make a concious effort to keep close or they'll fly away.

Well I think I'll go see what's for dinner. :)

Love love love love love love.............it's ALL that matters

Later

Okay so this is my first official blog ever and it's funny how little is coming to mind considering how many thoughts consume my mind on a daily (and nightly) basis. I have cystic fibrosis and it seems to be the major component that leads my life lately. All my decisions seem to revolve around it in some way and it drives me crazy. It is my hope that letting some of the words out will lessen the hold it seems to have on me psychologically and emotionally. I will always be reminded physically but tis' life. I would love to stop laying out all my concerns, feelings, fears and emotions on my poor family. They are great mind you and they will say they don't mind but I feel like it brings them down. Not to mention I hate everything always being about me. Every time I find myself uttering words about my cf a recorded message seems to play inside my consciousness saying "stop talking about it, you're giving it power over you". The thing I have been struggling the most with lately is justification for the lifestyle I've been leading. My FEV1s are in the low 30s and I'm currently off work. I'm not on continuous oxygen, I only use it when I exercise although I have been feeling worse lately so I have not been exercising as much. I know I'm on the cusp of a really crappy physical self but I'm still able to do some things so I find myself asking "Am I just being a complainer?" or "Is this all in my head?" I sit around a lot because small things like getting ready or making dinner wears me out. Sometimes I don't do anything at all accept my therapies. When I'm on my IV medications I feel great. I'll probably be starting a dose again soon but the problem is the effects don't last that long afterwards and I'm afraid of always being on them because I don't want to become resistant. I've been evaluated for a lung transplant but they agreed that is was a little too soon. All of this stuff really gets to me psychologically and emotionally. My husband works long hours and the loneliness is tough. The repetitiveness sucks and the lack of energy and drive is frustrating. I've been wanting to do some things on the side as hobbies but the thought of starting anything makes me tired. I know I should speak to a professional which I'm going to talk to my doctor about. I'm sure some of this is related to depression. Anyways, there you have it my first ever blog. What a rant that was. Hopefully the rest won't be so dramatic and be a little more upbeat. Thanks for reading,
Later
Carla