It's 3:25 in the morning. Sorta tired but fighting it like I always do. Something about the nighttimes that let anxiety seep into my body like a hungry virus. It's taken me awhile to come back here, mostly because I'm not sure I'm all that comfortable with it yet. Blogging is a funny concept to me still. I feel almost narcassistic in a way, assuming someone actually gives a shit about the jumbled ramblings that are the thoughts in my head. But here I am, throwing it all out there and not really expecting it to land. So, like I said, I have a bit of anxiety lately. Not the kind that ends up in severe attacks or anything but enough that it has successfully knawed a hole deep in stomach and demands to be filled with something, anything. My mind is my worst enemy at night. I try to do anything: eat, treatments, watch endless amounts of t.v., read, clean, sew (yah even sew!) to avoid having to just face, well, I guess, myself. I don't really know what I'm so afraid of. I find myself wanting more all time. The need for more has been consuming me for awhile now and it's for things that I don't need and aren't important. We are a society lead by wants. It would be so freeing to let them go. Wants get so confused with needs but they are very different. The ego wants and humanity and nature needs. I don't want to want anymore. The more I get, the more I want, it's a vicious cycle that I'm sure is at the core of this anxiety. Who knows what the source is. I could venture a guess but I'm not sure it's a cookie cutter answer anyways. I kinda know what I need to do to get back to reality though, to stop the wanting and obsessing and feel at peace, quiet one on one time with myself. This certainly helps, getting it out of my head and into concrete visible words. I don't know why but seeing it somehow makes it seem like the worst is over and now I can start to heal. Now I sit here, with my finger on the delete button, thinking how petty I am. My feelings always seem so big in my life. I always feel like I'm in the center of 'me'ness. I need to get out of my head, let go.